In spite of everything that was done to me and my race, in spite of the adversity and the bitter moments, again we rise."
* Dr. Maya Angelou
"I'm a survivor
I'm not gon give up
I'm not gon stop
I'm gon work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin' "
*Destiny's Child
It's been said that everything that glitter isn't necessarily gold; what we see from our own lenses may not always be the case, be it someone else's situation or our own. When deciding to embark on this journey, I had many expectations and made many assumptions simply based off of what I read from Facebook, viewed from YouTube, and/or heard from others through word of mouth of personal experiences. I didn't realize at the time that although all of that insight was great and informative, that I would still have to follow my own path of figuring out what was right for me. The scary thought of having to face the unknown made it easy for me to have other perspectives to lean on; but, I, not anyone else, was and still am, the master of my fate...I AM the captain of my soul.
When I decided that I wanted to teach overseas and travel the world three years ago, I had no idea the many obstacles I would face and the struggles I had to overcome to cross that finish line; or should I say fly over that water and immigrate into the other side of the world I only knew from television, music, and the internet.
I remember sitting with my colleagues in Houston, Texas; we were planning for the upcoming week and I announced to my team my decision to pursue this idea of teaching abroad. I was excited and motivated just from the idea alone as I spoke so passionately about it. Although my team (who were also my friends outside of school) was intrigued and happy for me, one friend in particular brought me down to reality a little bit when he started asking questions about how I would go about making everything work: what agencies had I researched, what programs had I come across, had I bothered with exploring the cultural differences, etc. He really made me realize that it was more than just a thought, but it was about ACTION. What was my plan with getting where I wanted to be? I had to figure out how I would turn my desire into my destiny.
Fast forward to a month or two later, the little research that I conducted led me to an interview with China. I was elated with enthusiasm when I received the email of interest. The email had ways for me to prepare including tips for Skype interviews and questions they would ask. This would be my first Skype interview EVER and I wanted to give my very best, so I prepared answers with the help of other teacher friends and practiced in the mirror my disposition. I was required to complete a mock lesson as well, so I practiced with stuff animals and my 5 year old daughter, wanting to make sure that everything went smoothly. And everything went smoothly. In fact it was better than smooth; it was Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal"smooth! I felt like I had just beasted out one of my best interviews to date. The interviewer was very impressed, but also gave me suggestions of how I could do better for future references when interviewing for ESL (English as a Second Language) positions. I was confident with the idea of possibly heading to China to teach English. However, that was not the case. I waited for about a week when I realized that I didn't get the job. I didn't get any word; heard nothing on the matter, but, I wasn't upset or pressed about the issue. I just figured "hey, maybe they had a problem with me having a child and couldn't accommodate. Going with someone who is single with no ties would be a better fit for them." This is what I told myself to stay sane. I pursued this idea no further and decided it wasn't my time.
Fast forward to next year; new school (for reasons beyond my control), new adversities. The particular challenges I faced at this school led me to put a little more fire in my pursuit of overseas teaching. I was so unhappy and needed a change before my passion for teaching became a plummet right into another career field. I posted a question in a black educators group that I am in on Facebook asking about the agencies that are used when looking for a teaching job overseas. I got a lot of guidance on the matter which with diligence and faith, led me to my first teaching offer in the middle east. I walked around the curves of life: from losing my brand new car due to a terrible city wide flood to having to move out of my apartment and in with a friend to save money. I thought I was invincible; that nothing could shake me! I thought I was FINALLY walking on a straight path of direct greatness. The high I felt of knowing that I soon would be out of this big mess of a situation and heading towards a new direction of new beginnings was enough to carry me through to getting that email with the infamous golden ticket. However, THIS time, God had decided for me through my offer getting rescinded, that it wasn't time.
You ever feel like when you take a step forward, the devil is there with his hook ready to snatch you back three steps? Imagine being on the Apollo stage of life, about to give the greatest performance of your entire existence while the devil stands beside the outskirts of the stage skinnin and grinnin, with that hook in his hand, waiting for you to fail. That was me. I got some great life changing news and here the devil was trying to do everything is his power to make it NOT be so. I was able to end my contract gracefully and close that Texas chapter. I was able to have one of the best summers ever in spite of going through a mild depression about losing my job before it even began. I was even able to find a job teaching in Georgia when things just seemed to not work out with interviewing for overseas teaching positions no matter how hard I tried. I was able to, at least for the time being, focus on all I had instead of all that I was missing. But it wasn't enough. I was going through the motions, trying to find the strength each day just to carry on and make it through.
I felt so alone and out of place back home, wishing I was instead with all the teachers I had connected with via Facebook groups and chats who got their golden ticket and was living it up over in the UAE. I was envious; I could be mistaken for the Incredible Hulk I was so green with jealousy, anger and frustration. There was a period where I even unfollowed every single person I befriended and connected with who had any thing to do with the UAE; I simply couldn't handle seeing all of their exciting experiences of work and travel in my feed. How soon I realized that they weren't the issue; it was me. You see, instead of focusing on what I had at the moment, which was my daughter, family and friends, my life, health and strength, I was focused on what I didn't have which was a job teaching in the UAE and why I didn't get pick. I was even mad at one of my closest friends for finding a job teaching overseas in China; I remember the devil whispering in my ear "She doesn't even have a teaching degree or license and SHE found a job. What's wrong with you?" I felt so pathetic and worthless. I was soooo angry with the people in my life and angry at the world and even worse.... angry with God. Man, the devil had me right where he wanted me. I was involving myself in situations I had no business in. I was at a low point; I felt so defeated. BUT GOD!
I'm trying to recollect the pieces as to what helped me to turn it around. I can't remember the exact details, but I do know that it did all turn around. Once I was able to ask God for forgiveness, forgive myself, and enjoy life as it was, it all turned around. I stopped putting the pressure on myself to make it happen or else, and allowed God to order my steps instead. Once I gave all of my sorrows, worries, concerns, frustrations, anger, pettiness, and doubt over to HIM, my faith was strengthened as my shoulders became light. I turned that negative energy into a powerful, positive, pursuit of purpose. I allowed myself to be happy for others while praising HIM for my breakthrough, not in life, but in ME; "create in me a clean heart and renew in me a right and just spirit", Psalms 51:10 my favorite scripture of all time. I needed to stop concerning myself with others and be more appreciative of MYSELF and what God was doing in MY life. I felt recharged; and that newly lit fire did lead me to finally crossing that elongated hurdle of getting overseas to teach, live, and travel, but little did I know, that the struggles weren't over. It is when you are at your best, that the devil shows up with mess; the question is, how do you deal with it?
So, I MADE IT! (*insert a hint of Drake's voice)... My idea, with a renewed and determined faith and hard work put in emotionally and spiritually, turned into an actual reality. However, after listening to a sermon this morning from Steve Furtick titled "Put Your Passion in its Place", I realize that I allowed my passion to be abandoned only because I was following IT, instead of allowing my passion to follow my purpose.
You see, stepping off that plane, arriving to my to my accommodations, and walking into the school building to start a new chapter wasn't the hard part. It was everything else that came with it. Being out of your comfort zone and everything you once knew is a true test of will when faced with doing something completely new for the first time. You can use other people's experiences as an application to your own journey, but it's just that...an application. YOU yourself ultimately have to make the decision to take on the job and accepting that job means taking along everything that comes with it. So, do you you fight...or take flight?
I had come too far to take flight. I had endured too much to jump ship. I had sacrificed so much to get here. I had to withstand. And this is what I told myself AFTER the fact. You see before this pep talk of turning a leaf, I found myself once again feeling defeated.
I came here with a purpose and my passion was my driving force. I was just so glad to be here experiencing what many only dreamed about. But with each passing day, reality was sinking in. I was looking at my current situation through an entirely different cultural telescope of perception; my reality was not the next expat's reality.
Everything started out great, even through the overwhelming induction experiences of say, figuring out how to get from point A to point B via taxi (which I never had to worry about before because I always had a car be it hooptie or hot rod), getting internet connection (after sharing the aggravated neighbor's service until I could get my own), obtaining new phone and cell phone service (which I almost got cheated on), grocery shopping and cooking (which included walking a mile every week to the nearest store and figure out how to use a stove the size of a large moving box), figuring out what to leave the house in so that I didn't offend anyone (nothing above the knee, sleeveless, or super form fitting in Sharjah) and entire list of other things to figure out along the way, allllll while still having to get up and come to work to learn policies and procedures of a new school in a new country. I mean, just because I work at an American school doesn't mean they abide by the American culture of life and education. No! This is not America. I am a guest in THEIR country. As an expat, I am still on THEIR turf and expected to respect and tolerate their way of thinking and life. And I was fine with it all. Once things started to fall into place, I was completely ok. I was meeting people, exploring the country and things to do a little bit at a time, and was even granted the opportunity of going on not one but TWO trips to TWO different countries after only being here for a month and a half. Talk about BLESSED! But it was when I came back from Zanzibar, and got sick, that things started to feel as if they were going down hill.
Here I was, scrolling through Facebook yet again feeling like all the expats here were indulging in the best life ever except me: bottle poppin, yacht loungin, beach bummin, belly fillin and all you can drink pourin, trip takin, party and hotel hoppin elaborate sort of lives, and me? Oh me, I was on bouncing from my sofa to my bed trying to get up enough energy just leave all of my emotions on the back burner and make it through work; I still was hired to give the best education to my kiddos ever, and that's what I did. But I did it because I had to and not because I wanted to. I had misplaced my passion. I had lost my fire, my drive. My purpose seemed to be non existent. I felt soooo alone; like a fish out of water flopping around trying to make it back into the lake; barely surviving through the struggle of it all.
I was depressed...legit depressed. I was very unhappy. I isolated myself. I went to work, walked two minutes back to my flat, and crawled under my covers everyday, closing my eyes wishing I was back home in Georgia; just wishing I could snap my fingers or click my heels three times and open my eyes to the sight of my daughter running up to me and giving me one of those laughs and stories about her day that immediately erases away all the turmoil one may feel in a bad and worrisome moment. But that didn't happen. I woke up everyday and went to bed every night with nothing but my Firestick and a wet pillow to keep me company. I was also experiencing migraines that just wouldn't seem to go away. I was eating take out everyday because I lacked the energy to barely make a sandwich, let alone cook. I was barely getting sleep and when I did fall asleep, it wasn't restful. I was crying myself to sleep many nights wondering if I was going to make it through to the end of the school year. I was wondering if I was ever going to make it back to my daughter. I was wondering if I was ever going to hug and kiss on my niece and nephews. I was wondering if my friends had completely forgotten all about me as I noticed them moving on with their lives. I was missing birthdays, holidays, and celebrations. I was missing moments that may seem so insignificant to some, but felt so huge to me. I. was. completely. homesick. Then one afternoon, the switch in my brain went up, and the light in limbs and soul came on. I decided to take back my life. I decided to change things around so that the misery I felt wouldn't be the cause of me running back to Atlanta hopeless with my tail between my legs. It was time to stop dwelling in pity...it was time to stop sabotaging all the progress I had made. In the words of Tye Tribbett "I want it alllll BACK!"is what I told myself.
The problem with being strong sometimes is that people think you don't need them; that you can work through it all on your own, but I was begging to be heard...it just wasn't vocalized. I felt the pressure of everyone being so proud of me and my accomplishments thus far with my career, overseas travel, and life in general, so much so that I kept all of my emotions bottled up inside. But just like a Coke bottle shook and ready to burst once the top is removed, I was ready to explode at any given moment and I did just that.
I remember just having a regular catching up sort of conversation with my sister one day, when all of a sudden my words turned into mumbling sobs of verbiage. She had no idea where it came from, but provided me with a listening ear, which is what I needed to sort out everything I was feeling. It was through conversations with my best friend and my sister that encouraged me to wake up and smell the roses; that everything would be fine. It wasn't that I was ungrateful, unappreciative, or even bratty about things, I seriously was just having a difficult time adjusting to my new life here. Nothing that at I did felt right. The more days I got through, the more days I felt incomplete. But I realized that if I wanted something I'd never had, I had to do something I've never done; I had to be willing to go through what it took to get to the big IT... I decided to push through to my promise.
I with that said, instead of waiting another year to bring my daughter out here with me, I decided that when I go back home to visit for the summer, that I would do everything it takes to have her on that return flight back to the UAE with me because this all means nothing without my baby here with me to share it with. Plus, what is it all for if I'm not giving back?
I had found my ultimate purpose. It dawned on me that I was selfish; I had made this all about me instead of all about HIM and all about my daughter. I'm suppose to be sharing this experience with my baby girl and using my story to not only encourage others, but be a living testament to the power of the most high. I prayed before starting this blog and before writing my first sentence, that God would speak through me and that I would allow HIM to use me as a connecting factor of hope and love to all those willing to read it. That people would be inspired by my story. However, I instead became a blocker of my own blessing; a sabotager of my own progress. But no more of that.
I'm not claiming that sort of negativity any more. The devil can't have my joy, peace, or favor; he can't and will not have my life. Nothing in life comes easy, but with the right spirit and faith, it's manageable. Steve Furtick also preaches that "Your Struggle is a Sign"; if the devil was going to destroy me, he would have, but the fact that I struggle is a sign that I will make it.
So I leave you with this: Don't be defeated by your struggles; square up, then rise up. It's all about HOW you wait WHILE you wait. It is all about survival. It all about not letting the mess get the best of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment